What Blended Kids Want Parents to Know
With over 25 years of working with children who no longer live with their first family (family of origin, both parents), I’ve learned a lot. Here’s what these kids would like their parents to know:
I did not choose to split up, you did. Please remember I have lost 100% access to both of my parents permanently
I want to love both of my parents and demonstrate my love no matter what you think of your ex
It shakes my foundation when I hear you say something in any way negative about my other parent
Please remember that together you two created me and I wouldn’t be who I am without your choices
It puts me in an awkward position to carry messages back and forth, please directly email my other parent
It feels dishonest if I am asked to keep secrets of any kind from my other parent
Please do not punish me for caring about other people in my other parent’s life, or for enjoying my time with them
I want to love and and like you and I want to be able to tell you things
I am afraid something I will say will hurt your feelings so my go-to is to be silent
I am afraid of losing your love - or you won’t like me - or you’ll be mad at me so I am cautious with what I say sometimes
It is hard for me to go back and forth between two households
If I miss my other parent when I am with you, it doesn’t mean I don’t love you
Sometimes I feel as if I don’t even have a home
Please do not compare yourself to your ex, or me to other people’s kids
It will be hard for me to share you with a new person because I already lost my original parents
Please don’t let a new person think they are another mom or another dad, I have them already. They can be mentors and friends who care for me
If your new person has kids too, please don’t lump us all together and consider us a unit
It will hurt me a lot if someone else’s kids get to spend more time with you than I do
Please don’t insist I be friends with your new person’s family, just show me how to be polite
I am worthy of respect for my thoughts, feelings and actions
I still need you to teach me how to handle life
When I am at your house, please spend a lot of time with me and also make sure we get 1:1 time even if you have other kids
If you are dealing with anger toward my other parent, please work on this with a professional so you can show me how regulated emotions look
I am looking to you to set the tone and won’t feel safe if you aren’t available
If we are financially worse off after the split, please don’t continue to remind me how unfair it is or what we can’t afford. I see it, too
I am pretty fragile and need to be treated thoughtfully
If I say I am uncomfortable about something, please listen and validate me
I like it when you say positive things to me
I would like to go to family counseling so we can all learn how to do life now
This is really scary for me, please help me by spending time with me
